How to make your lame trip home into a sick jaunt into unknown territory, complete with wicked car chases and all things baller*:
Step one: Get a cheap ass bus ticket home from megabus. Your mad booking skillz will increase your ego and add pizzazz to your daily bragging quota.
Step 2: The night prior to your voyage, stay up until 4am for no apparent reason. This will ensure that you sleep right through your alarm and successfully wake up an hour or so later than intended.
Step 3: On the day of your excursion, leave at the last possible minute. Now the trick is to leave so that you have just enough time to possibly make it, but that the chance of success is highly outweighed by the probability of failure. This step is essential and will really get your adrenaline running.
Step 4: Be sure that the day you are planning to travel coincides with the single day of the week you are not permitted to park on the sides of the roads in the downtown/metropolitan area. Causes of such days include: trash pick up, street sweeping, marathons, or parades.
Step 5: Become Bruce Willis: put yo pedal to the metal, speedin’ round the block, leavin nothin but devastation in yo wake. [With the exception of sappy children films like The Kid, it really doesn’t matter which Bruce Willis character you attempt to personify. Just know that this is the ONE time today where you get to appear B.A.; so you’d better choose wisely.]
Then get stuck behind an Ice Cream Truck…
Step 7: Pull up just in time to see your bus depart without you.
Step 8: Go to this website and follow the instructions indicated on the screen: http://www.nooooooooooooooo.com/
Step 9: Be dropped off at a local coffee shop or donut joint. The shabbier the court, the higher the chances of having demeaning experiences. Also it should be noted that the poundage of your luggage is directly related to the embarrassment you’ll probably endure throughout the day; so for the legendary traveler, it’s best that your total luggage exceeds your body weight.
Step 10: Hang ten in the joint for the next couple hours amusing yourself via any means possible. The more pathetic the attempt, the more likely people will pity you and/or think you’re a complete creeper.
Step 11: When you’ve exhausted all possible means of entertainment and successfully over-advertised your experience via all mediums of online social networking, it’s time to actually find yourself a way home. This process can only be made more stimulating/degrading if you are completely broke (made particularly ironic by step 1). Possible solutions: prostitution, selling your soul to the devil, or becoming a drug dealer. In the unfortunate event that none of these options are viable, you may have to resort to phoning home.
Step 12: Undergo complete humiliation while transporting all luggage and self to the bus or train station. Try not to get raped or mugged in process. When you finally arrive at the depot, look as pathetic as possible. This will not only put off potential thieves (as even they have hearts) but will also possibly sway the ticket attendant to wave any fee on your overweight luggage.
Step 13: Collapse on floor and wait for your transportation. Keep your ninja skillz alert, however, as the initial pity that many will have felt for you upon arrival will now have worn off making you susceptible to attack.
Step 14: The fact that there are 14+ steps to this day should be fair warning that by the time you actually get on your bus or train, you will be exhausted. Unfortunately sleep may not be an option as those around you will inflict crude means of suffering; varying from toxic smells, horrendously loud music, vomiting in or around your immediate area, and last but not least forcing you to bear witness to sexual rendezvous (which let me just say, having sex on a Greyhound does NOT come with the same esteem of being part of the Mile High Club!)
Step 15: Survive. Get home. Collapse.
*Not intended for the weak or slow minded. Aspen will not to be held responsible for any loss of money, soul, dignity, or sanity caused by participation in any of the activities listed above. Buyer Beware.