Newsflash: Celery will not replace Styrofoam

Being sick sucks. A lot. Positively nothing is enjoyable. Even things that should be enjoyable…are not enjoyable….

Sleeping, for one: not only is it not enjoyable, sometimes it’s down right impossible! Yet it’s pretty much required for a speedy recovery. Fail sleeping, fail.

Taking drugs: Drugs can be awesome…until you get sick…and then suddenly, drugs are just not as awesome. Especially cough syrup…

cute kid

Yeah I know some people really like the taste of cough syrup and other meds…here’s a picture for you guys…

Somehow the look of wonder just screams “future crack whore”

But perhaps the worst part about being sick has got to be the effect it has on food.

I went to Bdubs with Haley tonight, because I am out of food. Actually, I’m not out of food. Far from it. I have about 6 boxes of various shapes of pasta, a bag of potatoes, and half a loaf of bread….Anywho! The truth is that nothing, not even homemade Chicken Noodle Soup tasted good! And by “didn’t taste good” I mean I couldn’t taste anything!!!!! And do you know how much sodium chicken bouillon has in it? A. lot.

So I went to Bdubs hoping I could find something that was substantial yet…maybe…just MAYBE had enough flavor that it might puncture the wall of misery that the mean germ put up around my defenseless taste buds.

I found no such solace.

I did make an interesting revelation though. I was nibbling on a piece of celery, enjoying the crisp texture and the fact that I knew I was not missing anything taste-wise, when I suddenly imagined the guy who first invented the celery and bleu cheese snack combo. Logic told me the dude must have simply liked bleu cheese a bit too much, but realized it was poor etiquette to dip one’s finger into the bleu cheese sauce while in public. So then he would have researched (via wikipedia, no doubt) edible items that taste like nothing…because bleu cheese already has a fairly robust taste and one would not want to interfere with its essence. And there in….celery was found.

bleu cheese fettish

Moments before he discovers celery

I wish I could assure you that I was on drugs. I wish even deeper that my brain had stopped its pitiful stumbling at this point…mostly however, I wish I had not divulged any of this to Haley, which inevitably led me to promising that I would share it with you and whoever else hopelessly reads this blog….

As I continued to gnaw at a bit of celery, basking in the great discovery of Mr. Bleu Cheese Man from of long ago, my mind (which had not received any signals from my MIA taste buds….or any sensors as it would seem) suddenly became enamored with the texture and consistency of the celery stick and its relative comparison to Styrofoam. From there I came up with the irrational thought that celery, because of its texture and environmental benefits, should be used to insulate and protect our packages rather than Styrofoam peanuts, which do not decompose and are created using CFCs….and we all know how bad CFC’s are….

DON’T WORRY EARTH!!! CELERY WILL SAVE YOU!!!

Luckily for all of us, it was only a matter of seconds…fine, minutes…before I realized that using celery as is would not be a good idea because it would potentially decompose in the box while en route or in storage. There was a brief moment where I wondered if someone had ever thought of making a non-decomposable form of celery….but then I took note that they had in fact come up with Styrofoam. I was back at square one 😦

Haley insisted that we leave quite soon after I delivered my recount of these various mind journeys. We went to CVS…where I got DRUGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Good Purchace

Salvation

I take back what I said about drugs before….drugs are awesome…at any point of the day or night or sickness or health. Drugs for the win!!!

And now you know the rest of the story.

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4 thoughts on “Newsflash: Celery will not replace Styrofoam

  1. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHa another thing to do after this shit show recital…figure out a really really awesome post to leave here, cause you are setting the bar WAAAAAAAY high…i don’t think i can rise to your level of awesomeness at posting… 😮

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