True Story

Remember the classic computer game Oregon Trail? I’m not talking about the high class, fancy one of today’s child; with its simulated and personalized characters milling about in a computer generated three-dimensional world. No, I’m talking about the old school Oregon Trail. And by ‘old school’ I mean OLD school. The original: its black screen and white, pixelated font resembling more of a coding program or Windows’ Command Prompt box than an actual game. In fact the only evidence of it even being a game were the horribly low-def graphics, which I believe amounted to a highly pixelated wagon whose wheels rotated endlessly across the neon green outline of the American ‘landscape’…

hahaha

This one!!!!!

Not this one

Not this one....

And no...not this one either!!!!

Eh hem…as I was saying…

So I was stumbling the other night (as usual) and I came across an online game that greatly imitated the original Oregon Trail; except it was the “Zombie Trail”….

Well…I missed that little “Zombie” memo when I first started playing…

So I was asked who I wanted to bring along on my expedition; and through the very “random” selection of the last 4 people whose texts I’d saved on my phone, I typed in “Julia”, “Colin”, “Ren”, and much to my dismay “Joe” (I almost skipped his name because honestly who wants his name to ruin a perfectly enjoyable game?)

It didn’t take long for me to figure out it was a zombie apocalyptic version of the beloved game. In fact it became incredibly apparent when the word box came up informing me that “Joe had been bitten by a Zombie”. I was beginning to find this game more and more amusing by the minute…

Unfortunately these games are not very realistic. I say this because my options for the next course of action after receiving the memo did not include “Dump Joe by the side of the road and leave him to fend for himself”. No, we had to drag his dead-weight Old Lady self along for another 350 miles before he died. By the time we were finally rid of him, Ren had been bitten (I blame Joe) and infected with both the T-virus and the G-virus (Again I blame Joe)…which….I really don’t know what either of those are, but apparently they are pretty bad because Ren died maybe 20 miles later.

You should be happy to note that you were never bitten by a zombie!!

Aside from the Old Lady, Colin was the biggest bitch of the group. He broke his leg at least twice and caused the group to stop and rest for 12-hour increments so that he could recoup enough to continue.

I think you broke your arm at one point, but I’d like to believe that was while doing something heroic like dragging Colin’s body away from the Zombie mosh-pit and to the safety of the station-wagon.  That said…you didn’t make it to Oregon. In a cave just beyond Salt Lake City, I held your lifeless body in my arms, sobbing hysterically as dysentery stole your final breath.

I think I’ve decided to get you one of these shirts for chirstmas:

Yay Christmas!!!

So there Colin and I were in the middle of freakin’ Utah, I had just lost you and was pretty torn up about it…when a “large horde of zombies” appeared and I was informed that they were “ravenous”. So…I was like “fuck that shit”….and about to click “Roll down windows and attempt to mow down the mass” with the 1384 bullets I had left in stock…which would probably result in them overtaking the car and my brains being ingested by Rocky Mountain hicks…so either this realization or the realization that my decision effected both my life and that of Colin’s….I decided to “wait and see if the crowd disperses”. Apparently it’s a well known fact that zombies can go from being “ravenous” to “docile” in a matter of a few minutes. So…we managed to then “sneak on past the large docile group of zombies”. And after that it was pretty much easy sailing to Oregon….except when we ran out of fuel…40 miles away from the finish line…I honestly don’t recall how I came up with the two gallons of fuel that got us there….I imagine prostitution was probably involved. But Colin and I made it.

I’d really like to know what was in Oregon that would save us from the Zombie Apocalypse, but…oh well…

Anyways, I hope you enjoyed my story…it’s 7am, and I haven’t slept yet….I’m going to try and sleep for a few hours I think…

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